i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
