I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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