Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
