ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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