just tell him i said nine months
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
