I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
