I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
