In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
