one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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