I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.