Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
