Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
