every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
