dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
