Little spoons don't ask big questions
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I supernannyed him into submission
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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