I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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