Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
