your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
