I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
