I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
