I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
