how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
