u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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