one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
