so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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