I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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