In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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