You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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