just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
