I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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