A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We left the knife in your bed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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