This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
