It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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