where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's what I'm talking about
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?