yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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