Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
