i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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