$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
