whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
