Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
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she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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