just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
