Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
