I didn't shave. On purpose
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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