I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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