Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
