he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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