Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
