He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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