he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
