My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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