hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
