Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
