Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
