There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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