How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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